I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
