There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
