Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
