Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
whose parrot is this?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
