Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
