i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
