well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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