I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
