Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
