can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
