I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
