I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Come share oat with me in your robe
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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