Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
