I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so let's talk penis.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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