i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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