i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
