we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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