This is not my ceiling
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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