I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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