I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
