btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
