I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
