I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
