I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
And then my night got REAL pukey
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Text me some of your sweat
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
