what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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