If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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