i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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