I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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