even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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