Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
