You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
