Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
