my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
