Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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