my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
