he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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