In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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