I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
