The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Oh god it's open bar.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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