im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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