K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
