When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
