So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
