Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
