One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I need a beard to bite.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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