also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
