fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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