i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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