it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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