Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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